


6 Things Phil Regrets Ordering By Owl Post

by fourthingsandawizard



Series: Galaxies and Greenhouses: Oneshots [2]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hogwarts, Excessive hoarding, Galaxies and Greenhouses, Gen, Hufflepuff Dan, Muggleborn Dan, Oneshot, Pureblood Phil, Seventh year Phil, Sixth year Dan, Voted Second Best Fantasy in the 2017 Phanfic Awards, platonic, punk!phil, ravenclaw phil, youtuber!Phil, youtuber!dan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-25
Updated: 2017-04-25
Packaged: 2018-10-23 16:54:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10723407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fourthingsandawizard/pseuds/fourthingsandawizard
Summary: Dan confronts Phil about his obsession with ordering useless junk via owl post.Inspired by Phil's recent video, "5 Things I Regret Buying- SILVER HAIR DYE," along with his subsequent prank video featuring Dan on his second channel.





	6 Things Phil Regrets Ordering By Owl Post

**Author's Note:**

> This oneshot takes place in the Phan Hogwarts AU established in my fic [Galaxies and Greenhouses](http://http://archiveofourown.org/works/7520281/chapters/17093110), which should _probably_ be read before reading this fic, but isn't absolutely necessary.

The warm September sun streamed in through the high windows of the Great Hall, with hardly a cloud in the bright morning sky reflected over the heads of the students dotted up and down the house tables. 

Dan and Phil were sitting across from each other at the Hufflepuff table and enjoying a leisurely breakfast, almost late enough in the morning to be considered brunch seeing as they had both taken advantage of the opportunity to sleep in that only came along with Saturdays. 

Although they had discussed venturing down to the Quidditch pitch later that afternoon to cheer on Chris—the newly instated Gryffindor captain—as he decided which of his housemates were good enough to make the cut this year, Dan and Phil really didn’t have any plans for the weekend for once. It was still too early in the new term for excessive studying on the weekends (even as Phil’s N.E.W.T. exams loomed nearer with every passing day), so the day was essentially theirs to decide what to do with.

Dan was slowly working on his bowl of cereal, snorting as he watched Phil happily dig into his pancakes as if he’d been denied them his entire life. 

“Phil, no one is going to take them away from you,” Dan laughed as the older boy looked up at him, mouth comically full and almost chipmunk-esque. Phil blushed, but slowed down his chewing enough that he wouldn’t choke on his food. 

Just as Dan picked his spoon up to get back to his own breakfast, the sound of fluttering wings filled the Great Hall, owls swooping overhead in search of their intended recipients. 

Now a sixth year, Dan had long since learned to resist the urge to duck and cover his food when the daily post was delivered, but he still couldn’t help letting out a small squeak of surprise when Phil’s owl, Susan Too, not-so-gracefully dropped a small package onto the table in front of them.

Recovering slightly from his shock, Dan leaned across the table to glance at the return address on the package, letting out a groan. “Really, Phil? Again?

Phil blinked back innocently, placing his silverware across the edge of his plate. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” 

Dan rolled his eyes, giving the other boy a scoff as Susan settled on the table next to Phil’s elbow, nipping at the Ravenclaw’s fingers until he tore off a thin piece of pancake to share with her. 

“You are aware that this is on the verge of becoming an addiction, right?” Dan said around a mouthful of his favorite Crunchy Nut, pointing at the offending piece of mail with his still milk-dripping spoon.

“It’s not an _addiction,_ ” Phil insisted, giving his owl one last pat on the head before she took flight. “Besides, this time it was something I _really_ needed!”

“Isn’t that what you said about the screaming yo-yo?”

“Well, yeah, but—” 

“And the ‘Electric Shock Socks?’”

“Yes, but—”

“ _And_ the broom maintenance kit?”

“Hey, that one was practical!” Phil attempted to defend himself.

Dan fixed the older boy with an incredulous stare. “You don’t even _own_ a broom!”

“Okay, fine,” Phil relented, putting his hands up in mock surrender, “ _maybe_ I’ve made a few impulsive purchases in the past, but for the most part, the things I’ve ordered have been really useful!”

Mouth set in a straight line and eyes fixed on his bowl in front of him, Dan nodded slowly. Suddenly, he dropped his spoon back into the milk and pushed away from the table.

“Wait, Dan, where are you going?” 

Phil quickly gathered up his unopened parcel with one hand and shoveled the rest of his pancake into his mouth with the other before jumping up to run after Dan, who was already halfway across the Great Hall, clearly on a mission.

\- - -

“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I’d like to present: Exhibit A!”

Dan gestured dramatically toward the trunk at the foot of Phil’s bed, wiggling his fingers for added emphasis.

“Oh, wow,” Phil said with a smirk, crossing his arms and leaning against the frame of his four poster. “Thank goodness you gave up on pursuing law, that was terrible.”

“Philip,” Dan replied with an exaggerated sigh, “I’m in the middle of making a scene here. I’d appreciate it if you would cooperate.”

“Oh, my _apologies_.” The older boy shook his head, smiling at his ridiculous friend. “Please, proceed, _barrister_.”

“Thank you,” Dan replied, turning his attention back to Phil’s luggage. “Now, the defendant claims that the countless items he has ordered via owl post recently are, in fact, _not_ a complete waste of money—”

“Because they _aren’t_ ,” Phil interrupted.

“ _However_ ,” Dan continued, “I motion to submit into evidence what I like to refer to as the Trunk of Shame.”

As Dan spoke, he flipped the latches on Phil’s trunk and cautiously lifted the lid, as its contents threatened to cascade out onto the floor at any moment. 

Inside was the typical Hogwarts fare: robes, quills, and blue and bronze ties were thrown in haphazardly, along with the odd mismatched pair of socks, as was to be expected in a trunk belonging to Phil. However, a pile of miscellaneous items in varying states of use seemed to be quickly overtaking the majority of the space. 

Dan glanced up at Phil from where he was kneeling in front of the trunk, one eyebrow raised.

Phil worried his lip ring with his teeth, looking back and forth between Dan and the clear evidence of his addiction.

“Okay, _fine!_ ” The older boy let out a rush of air, collapsing backwards onto his bed and covering his eyes with his hands.

“So, you admit it?” Dan asked, devious smirk spreading across his face.

Phil groaned, staring between his fingers up at his bed hangings. “Hi, my name’s Phil, and I have an addiction to ordering useless junk that I don't need and will probably never use.”

“Hi, Phil,” Dan replied in a monotone voice, as if they actually were at some sort of addiction group meeting. “Now, that wasn’t so hard, was it?”

Phil huffed, sitting up on the bed with his shoulders hunched. “Alright, you’ve weaseled me into admitting it. Now what?”

“ _Now_ , I’m gonna help you go through this mess, you spork,” Dan answered, patting the space on the floor beside him. “Come on, Philly, time to embrace the minimalist lifestyle!”

With only a little bit of grumbling, Phil moved to sit cross legged next to Dan as the younger boy started to rifle through the trunk.

“Merlin on a hippogriff, Phil,” Dan muttered under his breath, gently shifting each item as if he were afraid something living could be hiding underneath and might jump out at him if provoked. “I don’t even know what half of this bloody mess _is_ …”

The brown haired boy frowned as he picked up a pile of about a dozen strange-looking sticks, noticing about 50 more of them scattered throughout the trunk.

“Oh, those are my Chinese Fortune Sticks,” Phil said casually, as if that explained everything. 

“Chinese what now?” Dan asked, thoroughly confused, as Phil gathered up the rest of the sticks from the trunk, putting them back in the cup they came in. 

“Fortune Sticks,” Phil repeated. “I read about them in Divination and decided to order my own set.”

“How do they work?” Dan passed his own handful of sticks over so Phil could put them away. Although he still didn’t fully buy into Divination as a practice, Dan couldn’t help but be fascinated by Phil’s slight psychic abilities, especially considering his predictions generally turned out to be true (even if not in the way they expected).

“Well, basically, you shake the cup so a stick falls out, and each stick has a number that matches an oracle,” Phil explained, pulling out a stick and showing Dan the small figure carved into the wood. “I could never get it to to work, though. You’re only supposed to shake out one stick at a time, but apparently I’m not coordinated enough. They just kept pouring out all at once.”

“Shame,” Dan shrugged, turning back to the trunk as something else caught his attention. “Wait, what are _those?_ ”

“Only the best thing ever invented!” Phil exclaimed, grabbing the box out of Dan’s hands. “Honeydukes flavoured lip balm! There’s no way you can say this one was a waste of money!”

“I think _I’ll_ be the judge of that,” Dan said, making grabby hands. “Let me try one!”

“Okay, okay,” Phil chuckled, pushing Dan away and holding the lip balms just out of his reach, “but you have to let it be a surprise!”

“And how exactly do I do that?” Dan frowned.

“Close your eyes! I’ll hand you one, you put it on, and then you guess which flavour it is!”

“And let _you_ choose which one I get?” Dan clarified, a bit hesitant. “Yeah, sure, you’ll probably purposely give me the most disgusting one, like all the bad flavours out of a box of Bertie Botts all at once, or something.”

“That’s not even a real flavour,” Phil replied, sifting through the box for which one he would have Dan try. “Now, come on! It’ll be fun, I promise!”

Reluctantly, Dan closed his eyes and felt Phil place one of the small tubes in his outstretched hand. Dan pulled off the tiny lid, wincing in anticipation as he applied the mystery flavour. It took a few seconds for the taste to kick in, but when it did, Dan felt as if he had just sunk his teeth into a smooth piece of cocoa-y goodness.

“Is that...Chocolate Frog?” Dan guessed, eyes still squeezed shut.

“Nice, first try!” Phil said as Dan peeked one eye open to look at the brown tube of lip balm in his hand. “Although that _was_ kind of an easier one. Maybe I should have given you the Fizzing Whizbee… Hey! What are you doing?”

Dan shrugged as Phil caught him in the act of slipping the chocolate-flavoured lip balm into the pocket of his jeans. “Finder’s fee?”

Phil rolled his eyes, but his smile proved he wasn’t too terribly put out. “Fine, keep it. But the Pumpkin Pastie one is all mine!”

Dan, however, had already turned his attention back to Phil’s trunk, where he had just unearthed several suspicious-looking containers.

“Phil...why do you have so many bottles of glitter?” Dan asked, his tone suggesting he wasn’t actually sure he wanted the answer as he gripped only the edge of one of the containers in hopes of minimizing the amount of sparkly substance that would contaminate his fingers.

“Huh?” Phil looked up from where he had gone back to digging through his belongings. 

“You’re not harboring some kind of weird secret Edward Cullen fetish are you?” Dan continued, waving the glitter around a bit. “Because, you know, I’m not one to kinkshame, but sparkly vampires are a little much—”

“Dan, for the last time, vampires don’t _sparkle_ ,” Phil replied, clearly exasperated that they were having this conversation _again_. “That’s just Muggles spreading more propaganda about things they don’t understand—”

“Then why do you have so much damn glitter?”

“I thought it would be funny for us to do some kind of art project for a video!”

Dan snorted. “What, like, ‘Dan and Phil Crafts?’ That’s ridiculous, who would ever even watch that?”

“Oh!” Phil suddenly exclaimed. He practically shoved Dan out of the way as he pulled something furry out of the trunk, cradling it to his chest. “My Niffler!”

“Your _what?_ ” Dan recoiled, fully expecting the ball of fluff in Phil’s arms to jump out at him to grab the bottle of extra shiny glitter still clutched in his hand. As he looked closer, though, he realized that Phil’s “Niffler” was actually just a cuddly stuffed version of the sticky-fingered creature.

“You know,” Phil said, holding the stuffed creature out in front of his own face as he stroked its head, “I don’t know why I bought this, but I remember it being _really_ important at the time…” He made eye contact with the little creature before tossing it unceremoniously over his shoulder. “Goodbye, old friend!”

Dan couldn’t help but chuckle at his best friend; the fact that wizarding society considered such a precious cinnamon roll to be a legal adult would never cease to amaze him.

The next item Dan pulled out of the trunk had him instantly backpedaling on any idea of Phil being quite so innocent, though.

“Umm, Phil?” Dan heard his own voice jumping up a few octaves from his shock. “What the ever-loving fluff is _this?_ ”

Phil glanced up to see Dan holding what looked sort of like a wand, but was actually squishy and flopping over to one side. The older boy attempted to stifle his laughter behind a hand, although Dan saw his tongue poke through his teeth before he could hide it. 

“It’s supposed to be a ‘stress wand,’” Phil managed to gasp out between giggles, taking the strange item. “Basically you’re meant to squeeze it like this to relieve any...tension.”

As he spoke, Phil demonstrated how the “wand” was meant to be used, while Dan stared in open-mouthed disbelief at the suggestiveness. 

“Phil, for Merlin’s sake, STOP,” Dan exclaimed when he finally came to his senses, grabbing it out of Phil’s hand and throwing it on the floor in disgust. He quickly reached for his actual wand, pointing it in the direction of the fake one. “ _Reducto!_ ”

“Hey, I paid good money for that!” Phil said in mock annoyance, looking at the charred remains.

“I think we can both easily agree that that was _entirely_ necessary,” Dan said, breathing a sigh of relief to have the “wand” out of his sights. “What the hell possessed you to buy that _thing_ in the first place?”

“I don’t know, I have the N.E.W.T. exams coming up, I figured I could use all the stress relief I could get!”

“Just take a Calming Draught like every other _normal_ person!” Dan countered. “Although, I guess that would require you to actually _be_ normal…”

“Normalness leads to sadness,” Phil said with a shrug, examining the label of a container he had just pulled out of the trunk before unscrewing the lid. 

“Do I even want to know what that is?” Dan asked hesitantly, already exhausted from the quick peek he was getting into Phil’s mind.

“Silver hair dye!” Phil said cheerily, dipping his fingers in the jar. “I saw it in a Muggle advert, and the guy’s hair looked so cool, I just _had_ to try it!”

Dan stared in amusement as he watched the older boy smear the silver goop in his hair, turning his normal jet-black to metallic and sticky.

“Ew, the texture feels a lot less nice _in_ my hair,” Phil admitted as he spread the dye around. “Does it look cool, or is it completely horrific? It _feels_ completely horrific.”

“You look like a bird just pooed on your head,” Dan helpfully supplied, crossing his arms as he looked on.

“Well, it’s hard!” Phil whined, attempting to pull his fingers apart and finding them practically glued together by the silvery substance. “I’d like to see you do any better!”

Dan quirked an eyebrow in response as he once again reached for his wand, pointing it as his own (currently curly) brown locks and reciting an incantation in a somewhat sarcastic tone. A golden metallic glow began to spread from the roots to the tips of his hair.

Dan glanced across the Ravenclaw dormitory at his reflection in the mirror, running his fingers through his newly-coloured gold hair, which looked like a professional dye job compared to Phil’s silvery mess.

“Huh,” Dan said ruffling his curls, “it’s almost like _magic_.”

Dan saw Phil cross his arms in the mirror, shaking his head. “Daniel Howell, you cheeky arse.”

“Is there any other kind?” Dan smirked without looking away from his own reflection, truly living up to Phil’s description of him. “I think it looks pretty awesome, might even keep it for a bit.”

Dan turned back around to face his friend. “How ‘bout you, Phil? Are you keeping yours?”

“Shove off, Howell!” Phil laughed, elbowing Dan sharply in the side before going back to his trunk.

“So, what useless nonsense is in that?” Dan asked, nodding his head toward the still unopened package from earlier that morning that was sitting on Phil’s bed.

Phil glanced back and forth between the parcel and Dan, eyes lingering momentarily on the younger boy’s now gilded fringe.

“Oh, just something that I got for us to share,” Phil finally answered, a mysterious glint in his eyes. He reached for the package, pulling off the wrapping to reveal a small bag of candy.

“Is that Honeydukes?” Dan asked, leaning closer to try to see just as Phil subtly angled the bag out of Dan’s eyeshot.

“Oh, no, I ordered it from a new sweets shop from ‘across the pond,’ as they say,” Phil replied, tearing the top of the bag open. “They’re these really cool gummy bears, they’re supposed to change flavours as you chew them!”

As he explained, Phil dumped a few of the bears out into his hand, offering some to Dan, who hesitantly accepted. 

“Try them at the same time?” Dan asked, a bit worried that Phil was trying to pull one over on him somehow.

“Sure!” Phil replied animatedly, putting some of Dan’s fears to rest. “Make sure you eat two, though, so they have a friend while they’re...dying.”

Dan snorted, taking two of the reddish-orange bears in one hand.

“Alright, on three,” Phil instructed, holding two bears near his own mouth. “One...two...three!”

Dan regretted his decision as soon as he realized that Phil hadn’t actually eaten his candy at the same time as Dan. As he continued chewing, though, that regret quickly turned into a rage burning almost as hot as the inside of his mouth.

He tried to shout a string of curse words in the older boy’s direction, but between his own surely singed tongue and Phil’s uncontrollable laughter from where he was rolling around on the floor, Dan’s attempts at angry vulgarity went unheard.

“What the _bloody hell_ was in those?” Dan finally managed to choke out after a minute or so.

“Habanero chilli peppers!” Phil exclaimed between laughs, clutching his stomach as a few tears rolled down his face.

Dan glared at the older boy, but still couldn’t quite keep the smile from sneaking onto his face. 

“Yup, we’re done here,” he said, pushing himself up off the floor and dusting off his jeans before making his way toward the dormitory door. “Enjoy your new life as a hoarder, Lester.”

“Dan, wait!” Phil chuckled, jumping up to run after his disgruntled friend. “Try new things?”


End file.
